My Biggest Fear

To feel icy cold hands wrapped around my neck, full-force pressed down, crushing my airways with full intention of never letting go: that’s what I’m most scared to ever face. To feel the urgency in my lungs, the necessity for air, while the starvation of my lungs increases more and more by the second- being choked to death. It’s a similar sensation when I dive too far deep down in the pool. On the way down everything is fine, but it’s when I start my journey back up that my lungs start begging me for relief from the pain. They start begging me for life. They start begging me to swim faster. They writhe and ache and I feel as if I can literally feel them begin to stop functioning.

Being choked to death would be something like this. I’ve never wanted to die a death where I’d have to struggle and be conscious for every second of it. In my opinion, that’s the worst way to go. It makes me feel like I’d have no control over what happens, no say in how my life ends, no say in how I leave the world. To not be in control of my body during death sounds like the worst experience ever. Because being choked to death is my biggest fear, it often appears in dreams of mine

The sun quickly set and night fell upon my face as I meandered through the twisting and turning streets of the city. By myself and completely lost, I tried to keep my cool. I couldn’t find anyone in the ever-so-lonely city, no people were about so I could ask for help. As the moon rose higher in the somber sky, my heartbeat hastened. I realized I had begun running through the alleys and streets. To my surprise there was a man. I stopped. I froze. He was alone, dressed in black- black to blend in to the ever-present night. It was then that I knew it was over for me. I tried to outrun the man but it was no use. It was seconds before I was robbed of my belongings and sharply driven up against the wall. His hands were around my neck, crushing my airways with full intention of never letting go. I did all I could, tried to kick, tried to fight it; my lungs felt like they were going to explode out of my chest. Then, I closed my eyes and my body gave up fighting.

Because of this terrifying dream, being choked to death has always been a great fear of mine. I always have to check my car at night to make sure there’s no one hiding in the dark back-seat, make sure there’s no one behind me when I’m walking at night, and make sure that I trust whoever is behind me. In order to live with the fear of being choked to death, I have to trust a lot of people. Being choked is something that I never wish to face.